a little bit of my plot
by Martyn · in Jobs · 10/12/2002 (1:18 am) · 6 replies
there may be some spelling mistakes, even though i "Think" i can write plots i do have bad spelling and grammer - which im redoing my GCSE's to try and imporve :) Its called Legend of Valmis to help you understand it better as this is not the start this is on teh secound island as i feel its a really good bit. You are a Orc by the name of Lionheart, the princess Orc left the city and you decided to leave the city to become rich, you fight your way across the orc island trying to make money to survive. you next make your way onto the elf island to get some help. if you would like me to tell you the main story etc just ask and ill write a summary under this :)
In Elfwood Lionheart and Dragonheart went to the Inn and rested before their long journey then they went to the shops and bank for supplies and they finally left by the south entrance. Lorin’s castle was on the west coast, Lionheart knew where to go because it was marked on his map, To get there they had to go through a little village, just before Lorin’s castle is a cave that they could visit if they wanted to but they decided to carry on towards Lorin’s castle. Lorin’s castle was on top of a cliff so they had to walk up to the top of the cliff. Lorin’s castle was very big and very scary it was a black castle and was very old Lionheart and Dragonheart walked up to the door, "You ready for this?” asked Lionheart, "Yeah, Lets go for it" replied Dragonheart, They opened the door and walked into Lorins castle. Inside the castle the walls where made of stone and there was carpet on the floor, They began to explore the castle looking for Lorin, while they where exploring they came across a little money and treasure, They also fought against many new enemies, they went against thieves, assassins, and also goblins. The castle was decorated well it had paintings on the walls. Lionheart and Dragonheart came to a room with some stairs but standing there was a massive green dragon, not to different from the one guarding Dragonheart, it turned to look at Lionheart and Dragonheart and smoke came from its nose, Lionheart and Dragonheart began to fight it, This Dragon was harder to fight then the red one, it used its claw but also used fire, with Lionheart and Dragonheart doing as much as they can to stay out of the dragons attacks they kept hitting it, weapons flying all over the place trying to hit the dragon as he was dodging some of there attacks but finally with one last blow from each of there weapons the dragon fell to the ground dead. Lionheart and Dragonheart walked up to the stairs that went up and looked up "Think there will be more dragons?" asked Dragonheart "Properly" replied Lionheart, They walked up to the second floor.
The second floor was a little darker it looked pretty much the same the second floor would be where Lorin’s guests would stay and eat, there where many rooms that acted as living quarters for his guests there where also bigger rooms some of which where used as meal rooms, every so often they would pass certain things for example a potion cabinet, they also had fights against Assassins, Archers, Goblins and Goblin shamans which where pretty hard as they did magic. After exploring the second floor killing enemies and picking up treasure they came to a room with some stairs in, they walked up to the stairs but as they where about to go down them, the ground shuck and they turned around and standing there was a massive Blue dragon walking closer and closer, Lionheart and Dragonheart began fighting it, the blue dragon used a attack that looked like blue fire it also used its tail to attack, while Lionheart and Dragonheart where dodging its attacks they where trying to hit it with there weapons, they hit it with one final attack and it started to try and fly away Lionheart through his sword at the dragon, the sword it him in the heart and it came crashing down to the ground as it let out its last gasp of air, Lionheart went and pulled out his sword. Lionheart and Dragonheart walk to the stairs just taking a quick look behind them they went up the stairs.
The third floor was almost at the top of the castle, this floor of the castle was the studying area for Lorin it had many of the rooms full of book case's and desks, while Lionheart and Dragonheart where exploring the rooms they came up against many enemies they where Goblin, Goblin Shaman, Archer and also Apprentice’s which where low level mage's, Lionheart and Dragonheart came to the stairs, the stairs where a little different this time they where going up in a spiral instead of them going straight up, as they began to go up the stairs Lionheart and Dragonheart felt a gust of air hit their backs as they turned round a massive Black dragon stood right in front of them, its wings spread in the air, the black dragon attacked them with black fire and with its massive tail, Lionheart and Dragonheart where trying to dodge its attack, trying to get a hit in as it wasn’t concentrating finally Lionheart and Dragonheart kept hitting it until it couldn’t take anymore its wings dropped to the floor followed by its body and then finally its head dropped to the floor motionless. Lionheart and Dragonheart made there way up the Spiral stairs to the top of the castle.
The stairs lead to a big room, where lorin slept. There where pictures on the wall, bookcases all around there was also a big bed in one corner. As Lionheart and Dragonheart looked around they noticed in the opposite corner to the bed there was a gold dragon locked up by a chain on its anckle. “Who are you?” asked Lorin, “I am Lionheart” replied Lionheart, “And I am Dragonheart” answered Dragonheart, “Oh…you…so you escaped…shame ill just kill you now” answered Lorin “You killed my sisters I will not let you kill anyone else” answered Dragonheart, “…I had no intention of killing her, I ment to kill you! Her death is because of you!” Lorin answered, “NO!” shouted Dragonheart. Lionheart and Dragonheart started attacking Lorin, Lorin used 2 swords and was very hard to kill but Dragonheart and Lionheart got the final attack in and Lorin fell to the ground, Then Lionheart ran to the dragon and broke the chain with his sword and the dragon flew up with its wings spread and broke a hole in the roof and flew off. “What will you do now?” asked Lionheart, “My sisters death was because of me! I shell come with you and avenge her death by helping people” answered Dragonheart “Ok” replied Lionheart. Lionheart and Dragonheart left Lorins castle and went south east towards Zerald.
Thanks again for taking the time to read it :)
In Elfwood Lionheart and Dragonheart went to the Inn and rested before their long journey then they went to the shops and bank for supplies and they finally left by the south entrance. Lorin’s castle was on the west coast, Lionheart knew where to go because it was marked on his map, To get there they had to go through a little village, just before Lorin’s castle is a cave that they could visit if they wanted to but they decided to carry on towards Lorin’s castle. Lorin’s castle was on top of a cliff so they had to walk up to the top of the cliff. Lorin’s castle was very big and very scary it was a black castle and was very old Lionheart and Dragonheart walked up to the door, "You ready for this?” asked Lionheart, "Yeah, Lets go for it" replied Dragonheart, They opened the door and walked into Lorins castle. Inside the castle the walls where made of stone and there was carpet on the floor, They began to explore the castle looking for Lorin, while they where exploring they came across a little money and treasure, They also fought against many new enemies, they went against thieves, assassins, and also goblins. The castle was decorated well it had paintings on the walls. Lionheart and Dragonheart came to a room with some stairs but standing there was a massive green dragon, not to different from the one guarding Dragonheart, it turned to look at Lionheart and Dragonheart and smoke came from its nose, Lionheart and Dragonheart began to fight it, This Dragon was harder to fight then the red one, it used its claw but also used fire, with Lionheart and Dragonheart doing as much as they can to stay out of the dragons attacks they kept hitting it, weapons flying all over the place trying to hit the dragon as he was dodging some of there attacks but finally with one last blow from each of there weapons the dragon fell to the ground dead. Lionheart and Dragonheart walked up to the stairs that went up and looked up "Think there will be more dragons?" asked Dragonheart "Properly" replied Lionheart, They walked up to the second floor.
The second floor was a little darker it looked pretty much the same the second floor would be where Lorin’s guests would stay and eat, there where many rooms that acted as living quarters for his guests there where also bigger rooms some of which where used as meal rooms, every so often they would pass certain things for example a potion cabinet, they also had fights against Assassins, Archers, Goblins and Goblin shamans which where pretty hard as they did magic. After exploring the second floor killing enemies and picking up treasure they came to a room with some stairs in, they walked up to the stairs but as they where about to go down them, the ground shuck and they turned around and standing there was a massive Blue dragon walking closer and closer, Lionheart and Dragonheart began fighting it, the blue dragon used a attack that looked like blue fire it also used its tail to attack, while Lionheart and Dragonheart where dodging its attacks they where trying to hit it with there weapons, they hit it with one final attack and it started to try and fly away Lionheart through his sword at the dragon, the sword it him in the heart and it came crashing down to the ground as it let out its last gasp of air, Lionheart went and pulled out his sword. Lionheart and Dragonheart walk to the stairs just taking a quick look behind them they went up the stairs.
The third floor was almost at the top of the castle, this floor of the castle was the studying area for Lorin it had many of the rooms full of book case's and desks, while Lionheart and Dragonheart where exploring the rooms they came up against many enemies they where Goblin, Goblin Shaman, Archer and also Apprentice’s which where low level mage's, Lionheart and Dragonheart came to the stairs, the stairs where a little different this time they where going up in a spiral instead of them going straight up, as they began to go up the stairs Lionheart and Dragonheart felt a gust of air hit their backs as they turned round a massive Black dragon stood right in front of them, its wings spread in the air, the black dragon attacked them with black fire and with its massive tail, Lionheart and Dragonheart where trying to dodge its attack, trying to get a hit in as it wasn’t concentrating finally Lionheart and Dragonheart kept hitting it until it couldn’t take anymore its wings dropped to the floor followed by its body and then finally its head dropped to the floor motionless. Lionheart and Dragonheart made there way up the Spiral stairs to the top of the castle.
The stairs lead to a big room, where lorin slept. There where pictures on the wall, bookcases all around there was also a big bed in one corner. As Lionheart and Dragonheart looked around they noticed in the opposite corner to the bed there was a gold dragon locked up by a chain on its anckle. “Who are you?” asked Lorin, “I am Lionheart” replied Lionheart, “And I am Dragonheart” answered Dragonheart, “Oh…you…so you escaped…shame ill just kill you now” answered Lorin “You killed my sisters I will not let you kill anyone else” answered Dragonheart, “…I had no intention of killing her, I ment to kill you! Her death is because of you!” Lorin answered, “NO!” shouted Dragonheart. Lionheart and Dragonheart started attacking Lorin, Lorin used 2 swords and was very hard to kill but Dragonheart and Lionheart got the final attack in and Lorin fell to the ground, Then Lionheart ran to the dragon and broke the chain with his sword and the dragon flew up with its wings spread and broke a hole in the roof and flew off. “What will you do now?” asked Lionheart, “My sisters death was because of me! I shell come with you and avenge her death by helping people” answered Dragonheart “Ok” replied Lionheart. Lionheart and Dragonheart left Lorins castle and went south east towards Zerald.
Thanks again for taking the time to read it :)
#2
"They did this. They did that. Then they did this. Then they did that. And they did this. And then they did that."
It doesnt really flow :(Im sure with practice though it will come. I think the main reason why it seems as i have described it above, is because there is very little description for instance you describe Lorin's castle, the main setting of the story very simply.
"Lorin's castle was on top of a cliff so they had to walk up to the top of the cliff. Lorin's castle was very big and very scary it was a black castle and was very old"
I believe it would sound a lot better if you put some drama into the description.Eg.
"Lorin's ancient castle sat perched on the edge of a high granite cliff, casting an oppressive shadow over the surrounding lands. The huge structure built of rough hewn dark stone, was a frightening sight to behold its brooding walls spoke of more horrors than the mind can concieve."
And rather than "Lionheart and Dragonheart walked up to the door" as if they are going round to a mates house ;)
something like
"Lionheart and Dragonheart strode bravely onwards to the great oak doors standing ajar in the gatehouse."
They are just a couple of examples, im sorry if I sound too critical im just trying to help :) . Oh and also you might want to change one of the characters names. "Lionheart and Dragonheart" is bit of a mouthful, probably due to them both ending with "heart" and both are 3 syllables long, so dont flow to well. Again im sorry if i sound critical im just trying to help :-D
10/12/2002 (5:39 am)
Good story. The content is good :) but the structure is and i mean no offense, very poor :( . It reads"They did this. They did that. Then they did this. Then they did that. And they did this. And then they did that."
It doesnt really flow :(Im sure with practice though it will come. I think the main reason why it seems as i have described it above, is because there is very little description for instance you describe Lorin's castle, the main setting of the story very simply.
"Lorin's castle was on top of a cliff so they had to walk up to the top of the cliff. Lorin's castle was very big and very scary it was a black castle and was very old"
I believe it would sound a lot better if you put some drama into the description.Eg.
"Lorin's ancient castle sat perched on the edge of a high granite cliff, casting an oppressive shadow over the surrounding lands. The huge structure built of rough hewn dark stone, was a frightening sight to behold its brooding walls spoke of more horrors than the mind can concieve."
And rather than "Lionheart and Dragonheart walked up to the door" as if they are going round to a mates house ;)
something like
"Lionheart and Dragonheart strode bravely onwards to the great oak doors standing ajar in the gatehouse."
They are just a couple of examples, im sorry if I sound too critical im just trying to help :) . Oh and also you might want to change one of the characters names. "Lionheart and Dragonheart" is bit of a mouthful, probably due to them both ending with "heart" and both are 3 syllables long, so dont flow to well. Again im sorry if i sound critical im just trying to help :-D
#3
10/12/2002 (7:07 am)
Thank you both for the replys and comments, i agree with them both. i think i will get to work. Thanks again for the comments :)
#4
This was way better!
I think it is important for you to work on *describing* things, in stead of just *telling* them to us.
I'll post the prologue to my book, so you can see an example of how it could be done differently. Enjoy!
/Martin.
--------------------------------
From behind the closed doors, a scream could be heard. To Rowan, it seemed to last forever. He wished that he could shut the sound out, but even if he clapped his hands over his ears, he knew that he would still hear the screams in his mind. He knew what was going on behind the closed doors. The priests had just sacrificed one of the other war prisoners from Chelwan. All the prisoner's had fought Wulfern's army. They had stood together in the shield wall, as the demons had pressed forward. And as the shield wall had broken, so had their will to fight, and they had turned their backs and run.
As soon as they had started to flee, the battle was lost, and they had all been doomed. All soldiers had lacked any form of protection to their back, because if they were unprotected there, it would make certain that they stayed and fought. Because no man is stupid enough to run away from his enemies with an unprotected back.
At least, that was true as long the enemy was human. As the demons had pressed forward, the soldier's had decided that today was a good day to flee on...
Only a few minutes earlier, the guards had opened the door to the room he was in, and seized the now dead prisoner. He had screamed as he was taken from the cell.
Rowan felt a warm trickle of urine running down his left thigh, as he thought of the fact that he would be the next person to be heard screaming.
He ran his hands through his thick, brown hair, and then he wiped away the sweat on some straw in the cell. He felt like crying, but his tears had dried out long before. At least, he would get a fast death. Some of the other prisoners in the cell had been lead away for torture a couple of days back, and when they came back their bodies were simply thrown into the cell. All prisoners were unconscious. They had broken legs, arms, and some lacked fingers. One of them was severely burned, but still alive.
Rowan and the other prisoners had closed their hands over their comrades' throats, relieving them of their misery. Killing his friends seemed to be more merciful then to let them live to see another day of torture, or to be sacrificed a couple of days later.
His legs failed him, and he sat down on the ground. There were only four of them left in the cell. At the end of the day, there would be none.
He looked down at his fingernails. Yesterday, he had panicked, trying to claw himself through the stone walls surrounding him. There was still blood on them.
The sweat finally found a way through his thick eyebrows, and burned his eyes.
In the hall outside, he could hear footsteps closing in. The door opened, and the light from the guard's torch blinded him for a moment. There were two guards, looking down on him as if though he was an animal. He tried looking them in the eyes as they grabbed his arms, but they avoided his gaze.
As he was lead out of the cell, his legs failed him once again. The guards didn't seem to notice though, as they dragged him towards a giant wooden door. Now the tears came, rolling down his cheeks.
The guard on his left, a tall, muscular man in his mid-thirties, let go of his arm for a moment, to open the door. Then he seized him again, and Rowan was dragged into the room.
In the front end of the room was a big altar, and to his left, he saw a big fireplace. Two other guards were just about to throw the corpse of the war prisoner onto it.
On the right side of the altar, there was a huge barrel, made of silver. As he was dragged closer to the altar, he could see what was in it. The hearts of his friends had been thrown into the barrel. Soon, his one would join the rest of them.
Were there even any gods? He knew about the demons, he had fought them himself. But if the gods really existed, could they tolerate the state in which the world was at the moment. And if the gods had abandoned their people, was the battle lost? Was there no hope of salvation? Tears brimmed up in his eyes once again, at that thought.
A priest entered the room. His white robe was stained by blood. He slit open Rowan's tunic with a long knife, and the guards removed it from the altar.
As Rowan looked into the eyes of the priests, he realized that he was just an animal to the servants of the demon king, Wulfern. The priest's eyes didn't show any feelings at all. Not hatred, not disgust, nothing. Rowan suddenly felt like he was a lamb, and the priest was the butcher.
The priest raised his knife over his head, and seized the hilt with both hands.
From behind the closed doors, a scream could be heard...
10/13/2002 (6:56 am)
Hi Martyn!This was way better!
I think it is important for you to work on *describing* things, in stead of just *telling* them to us.
I'll post the prologue to my book, so you can see an example of how it could be done differently. Enjoy!
/Martin.
--------------------------------
From behind the closed doors, a scream could be heard. To Rowan, it seemed to last forever. He wished that he could shut the sound out, but even if he clapped his hands over his ears, he knew that he would still hear the screams in his mind. He knew what was going on behind the closed doors. The priests had just sacrificed one of the other war prisoners from Chelwan. All the prisoner's had fought Wulfern's army. They had stood together in the shield wall, as the demons had pressed forward. And as the shield wall had broken, so had their will to fight, and they had turned their backs and run.
As soon as they had started to flee, the battle was lost, and they had all been doomed. All soldiers had lacked any form of protection to their back, because if they were unprotected there, it would make certain that they stayed and fought. Because no man is stupid enough to run away from his enemies with an unprotected back.
At least, that was true as long the enemy was human. As the demons had pressed forward, the soldier's had decided that today was a good day to flee on...
Only a few minutes earlier, the guards had opened the door to the room he was in, and seized the now dead prisoner. He had screamed as he was taken from the cell.
Rowan felt a warm trickle of urine running down his left thigh, as he thought of the fact that he would be the next person to be heard screaming.
He ran his hands through his thick, brown hair, and then he wiped away the sweat on some straw in the cell. He felt like crying, but his tears had dried out long before. At least, he would get a fast death. Some of the other prisoners in the cell had been lead away for torture a couple of days back, and when they came back their bodies were simply thrown into the cell. All prisoners were unconscious. They had broken legs, arms, and some lacked fingers. One of them was severely burned, but still alive.
Rowan and the other prisoners had closed their hands over their comrades' throats, relieving them of their misery. Killing his friends seemed to be more merciful then to let them live to see another day of torture, or to be sacrificed a couple of days later.
His legs failed him, and he sat down on the ground. There were only four of them left in the cell. At the end of the day, there would be none.
He looked down at his fingernails. Yesterday, he had panicked, trying to claw himself through the stone walls surrounding him. There was still blood on them.
The sweat finally found a way through his thick eyebrows, and burned his eyes.
In the hall outside, he could hear footsteps closing in. The door opened, and the light from the guard's torch blinded him for a moment. There were two guards, looking down on him as if though he was an animal. He tried looking them in the eyes as they grabbed his arms, but they avoided his gaze.
As he was lead out of the cell, his legs failed him once again. The guards didn't seem to notice though, as they dragged him towards a giant wooden door. Now the tears came, rolling down his cheeks.
The guard on his left, a tall, muscular man in his mid-thirties, let go of his arm for a moment, to open the door. Then he seized him again, and Rowan was dragged into the room.
In the front end of the room was a big altar, and to his left, he saw a big fireplace. Two other guards were just about to throw the corpse of the war prisoner onto it.
On the right side of the altar, there was a huge barrel, made of silver. As he was dragged closer to the altar, he could see what was in it. The hearts of his friends had been thrown into the barrel. Soon, his one would join the rest of them.
Were there even any gods? He knew about the demons, he had fought them himself. But if the gods really existed, could they tolerate the state in which the world was at the moment. And if the gods had abandoned their people, was the battle lost? Was there no hope of salvation? Tears brimmed up in his eyes once again, at that thought.
A priest entered the room. His white robe was stained by blood. He slit open Rowan's tunic with a long knife, and the guards removed it from the altar.
As Rowan looked into the eyes of the priests, he realized that he was just an animal to the servants of the demon king, Wulfern. The priest's eyes didn't show any feelings at all. Not hatred, not disgust, nothing. Rowan suddenly felt like he was a lamb, and the priest was the butcher.
The priest raised his knife over his head, and seized the hilt with both hands.
From behind the closed doors, a scream could be heard...
#5
10/13/2002 (8:10 am)
I like it, very gripping... dang, all this plot talk really makes me wish I had my stuff copywritten so I could show it :(.... unfortunately the story and concept are both completely new and I'd like to keep them that way.... perhaps one day I'll boast it here in the good old GG forums
#6
02/08/2003 (1:01 pm)
hey man that storey you just showed was cool as hell, you must be like a proper auther or whatever
Torque Owner Dr. John Nobody