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Got Depression?

Name:	Kevin Erkelenz
Date Posted:	Jun 05, 2007
Rating:	5.0 out of 5
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Dear Readers,

This blog is not aimed to insult anyone who reads it and if you feel hurt by reading this or if you think the title of this blog is irritating or insulting, please forgive me but realize that this is is an explanation to you, the community how I cope with my depression and how I have learned to harvest its positive sides in the field of Game development and art, also please notice that to me you are all heros to me in my own way, not only the Garagegames employees, but all of the members in this community. Now if you would please excuse me, I have a blog to write! ;)

Depression is a condition many people suffer of, 1 out of 4 Americans if I'm right and it is nothing to ignore, depression causes many people to throw away their lives and suffer in "eternal" sorrow, not eating for days or ignoring any contact with the world whatsoever and when things go really bad - even suicide. I have been there, last month I tried to kill myself and for me this was a shocker, and so was it to everyone else around me. That was when I realized that the hard working and motivated person I used to be last year is no longer alive, but where do I go from here? I still have that $3.000 gaming machine at home and tons of books on the creation of games, scripting, art etc. and over $1.000 worth of Training DVD's from various publishers and Game design was and is still my passion so I began to observe my behavior together with my beloved therapist and we or she realized that whenever I go through a manic phase I start coming up with these Ideas and images in my head that would be enough to supply 5 game design houses a week on ideas for games so I started writing them down and one after one after the 10 pages of ideas where done, recycle bin here we come, trust me you will hate the recycle bin after a while but to me it made so much sense to destroy my work after a while and when my manic phases are over I want to commit suicide again for all my work was gone but another solution was here - Stuff the work on an external hard drive and give it to my mom, that way its all safe and wow, it worked! But up to this date I have no portfolio and nothing to show to the world, why? Because its all in my head, like blueprints - I can see the whole modeling, texturing, animating and rendering process go on in my head and some day I will manage to control my problem and publish my work, whatever it takes. :)

Thats it for my story and here to the message that I want anyone in this community suffering from depression to write down - harvest your creativity when your depressed, I know when its that time you dont even feel like working on anything and there is absolutely no need to - keep it in your head and when your head is cleared up let it all out! Sorry for this mild profanity but depression can be a real bitch, but just like those tons of useless ads say - if you dont do nothing about it, who will? (Maybe those ads arent useless afterall xD)

What I wrote for you guys today comes from my heart and I want all of you to know that I hold you with great respect and even if I dont know you, I am proud of you and what every single one of you has accomplished, theres allways a way up no matter how far down you think you are!

And again I did not wish for anyone to get offended by reading this, the opposite actually - I want the ones that think theyre all the way down to know that theres a way up and as long as you have a goal or even a little hope it will all work out, life's to beautiful to loose it!

Thanks for reading this everybody and have a great day,
-Kevin Erkelenz

Recent Blog Posts

List:	11/01/08 - Constructor Video Training Workshops 09/30/08 - Community is Key. 02/19/08 - The Fanatix theory 09/04/07 - The next step in project management 08/28/07 - Aside of my main project. 08/09/07 - I have a dream... 08/07/07 - New Project: Exodus; First Impression, No screens. 06/05/07 - Got Depression?

Submit your own resources!

Kevin Erkelenz (Jun 05, 2007 at 01:42 GMT)

Also another personal note on this, I am gathering information on this topic in order to write a book on how to harvest the positive side of depression.

Maxwell Marsh (Jun 05, 2007 at 01:51 GMT)

I've been pretty down these last two weeks, and I found that waiting works the best to get over whatever you're down about.

Kevin Erkelenz (Jun 05, 2007 at 01:57 GMT)

I thought so for a while, but think of all the time youre waisting I mean in my case sometimes these manic phases last for months, I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder so I don't necessarily have events that cause my depression so im guessing you have a different situation - this post is aimed to motivate people suffering from depression so take from it whatever you feel is right.

Eric Elwell (Jun 05, 2007 at 02:02 GMT)

I think it's interesting that you mention giving your ideas to your mom rather than trashing them. I've found that giving of myself and talents for another is an integral part of human health. My own grief and personal considerations are put in perspective when I can consider others, and share their burdens and joys. I have found this to be true of most through my own life and affirmed through local youth ministries I have been involved with, both my own personal growth and watching the kids' development. Less about what I can do for myself, and more about what I can offer, I guess.

Mark (Jun 05, 2007 at 02:07 GMT)

All I know is I spend way too much time on the Interwebz

James (Jun 05, 2007 at 02:17 GMT)

Good on you Kevin.

Depression is a debilitating condition but can with help be managed (as you know). I sympathize and can totally understand what you have gone through and will continue to work through. I've been there myself and although I still have bouts they don't last as long and they certainly are no where near as destructive.

I can offer you only this: It does get better and you'll do just fine :)

You ARE doing fine :)

Good luck Mate :)

Anton Bursch (Jun 05, 2007 at 02:45 GMT)

We all have had hard times and lost it a little. Last year I had a ton of shit hit the fan for me. Wife got a growth on her neck that doctors thought at first was fast growing cancer. I got dermatitis on my face. My mother in law moved in with us after brain surgury and almost died a half dozen times. I developed hyper-tension. Our apartment flooded, got an ant infestation and a massive black mold outbreak... but we didn't have the money to move. And it was my first year working professionally in games. It was a doozy, let me tell you.

I lost it a couple times. Not depressed, but just outbursts of frustration over little things. Notably, here on GG. But it was due to not being able to handle all the big things that I had to go thru.

But after a while, things got better. They don't always get better for some people. But they did for me. And I'm very thankful. And I'm still making games. I've got treatment for dermatitis. I'm excersizing and eating well and not working too much and my hyper-tension is mostly over. My mother in law is in a home and happy as she can be. We got into a better apartment without ants and flooding and black mold. And I'm still making games for a living and loving it.

Life can be hard as hell sometimes, but it's also wonderful. I hope you really enjoy the times you have that are wonderful and I hope you keep getting thru the times that are hell.

Good blog. Not offensive at all. We're in an art industry. Depression is the other side of inspiration sometimes. :P

Tom Feni (Jun 05, 2007 at 03:34 GMT)

I find when I get depressed I kidnap homeless people and then hunt them in the forest. Picks me up everytime..

Just kidding, but yeah I would say if your feeling depressed just stop and think of some event in your life that made you happy, Ie birthday, first time to disneyland whatever and then tell yourself it (the depression) cant be as bad as it seems..
just my two cents..

TomFeni

Christopher Dapo (Jun 05, 2007 at 04:12 GMT) Resource Rating: 5

My highest of sympathies and esteemed congratulations to you Kevin, not only for overcoming your anxieties and severe depression, but also for having the courage to speak out about it. I'd like to speak for everyone here on how proud we are of you to have climbed back up from your fall. I've fallen quite a bit and for some time now myself, though I know it's my ambition to give, create, and evolve our world that helps me to keep going, so much in fact that I wish I could kill it at times myself.

Here's to a good supply of JTHM comics and nightmarish inspirations turned humorous! Remember, no one lives forever, but that just means you have nothing to lose! Go for the gold, my friend!
- Ronixus

**btw, if you'd like to talk sometime, email me at ronixus_X(at)yahoo(dot)com and I would honestly love to talk to you about some very serious ventures I have planned in the future to benifit both nature and mankind! Anton, Tom, and anyone else are welcome as well! :)

Andy Hawkins (Jun 05, 2007 at 05:38 GMT)

One good saying I use, which would be valid for people suffering from depression (as at least one member of my family is) is this...

"In time it will pass"

This works for me and dealing with phases my kids go through, having to stay up all night because my youngster wont sleep, having 6 days in a row of sleeping only 4 hours a day.

I'm not saying the depression will pass indefinitely, but use this mantra when you find yourself stuck in a rut, during a bout.

It basically means, hold on, have faith and know that things will change.

Oliver Rendelmann - DerR (Jun 05, 2007 at 06:11 GMT)

Interesting read, Kevin, and I share your views. When I was younger and in the same situation I used to write poems. A few of some I showed my parents and a few I showed to a close friend.. almost everytime it made them cry reading it. Anyway, but doing so, I felt better after wards. Keep on working on it and hang in there.

Matt Huston (Jun 05, 2007 at 08:20 GMT)

I think everyone gets depressed in their life, obviously some more than others just based on circumstances, sometimes almost nothing has seemed to happen but one can get depressed. It does take a lot of courage to make the blog post you just did. Good luck with everything.

@Anton
Well I know that your blogs have usually been a motivation to me, I know you irked some but I remember a couple that really did motivate. I believe they were the ones about your own battles to get into the game industry and they helped me focus myself onto learning the material better than I had before.

Ben Conrad Curley (Jun 05, 2007 at 09:01 GMT)

That is exactly how I feel, 5 years ago my farther developed skin cancer (melanoma) this was during my undergraduate years and had a profound effect on me, far more than I realised. Unfortunately 2 years after the diagnosis the cancer got the better of him. Ever since then I have lost so much self confidence, gone through periods of running away from my problems, hide from the world (months on end).

I am still currently finishing my PhD and the worst thing about this depression is that sometimes you can feel good for a reasonable amount of time, so my boss things I'm better and then poof I disappear for another month (I don't think my job helps as I am able to just disappear on a whim)

During these good times however I get manic, just like you and produce lots of work. Just look at my blog you see when I had a manic Torque moment, as I made a post about my CTF clone, not done anything since. unfortunately at the moment, I still spend more time hating myself than accepting my talents but I am aware of this, and I also aware that I am slowly getting better.

I wouldn't say I am over my depression it isn't helped by external pressures of work deadlines and where my future is going but, its also annoying how the depression was trigger by close family lose but now has nothing to do with it.

As for dealing with it, I'm still finding it hard, however the accepting that anything I do or needs to do will take time, though really hard to accept when you manic, is very important. Its hard as you want to get things done straight away, and a reduced progress only goes to aggravate your depression which effect performance further and enter the vicious circle.

Depression is a serious illness and a lot more people suffer from it than is realised, what with lot of people viewing it with stigma and also thinking its about someone crying all the time. My depression was mostly anger, when depressed I can get very angry and violent, learnt to manage my behaviour and stop hurting those close to me (threats of aggression, I can say I am glad I haven't hurt anyone still close to me).

Kevin I totally empathise, I started suffering my depression when I was 21 and I'm still not over it but I'm getting there.

Thank you for been brave and bring this up, it made me feel better knowing that someone else does exactly the same as me isolation is truly depressing.

Darrin Hutchison (Jun 05, 2007 at 13:31 GMT)

Kevin, your post struck a chord with me, and in many ways provided a perhaps unsurprising clue that so many of us in this world are so much alike.

I have suffered from depression and too have tried to take my life in the past, but during those most depressing times I too have been at my utmost creative and productive. These days I am on medication that really evens out those deep deep troughs one can sink into - the troughs that have you wanting to sucumb to that horrible darkness - yet I also acknowledge that during those times I was at my lowest I also - strangely - discovered my most inventive and creative ideas. And in that I wholeheartedly agree that you NEED to get those ideas out, you need to pull the stopper from your brain and let all that creativity splurge out in some way or another, whether it be writing, talking to other people, drawing, painting and even programming.

These days I can also acknowledge that it's the very little things that make life worth living. Watching your fav sitcom on TV, it's only 30mins but that 30 minutes of humor is better than an eternity without. Maybe your fav pizza, or a bottle of beer. Maybe seeing a sunrise or sunset, or looking out the window on a summers day. These days I try to force myself to think of every little thing that I'm enjoying, right down to the beef sandwich I'm enjoying at this moment. When you're gone, that's it, you will no longer taste that food, or drink, or smell that scent, or laugh at that TV show again. There is so much more to miss when you're dead than when you're alive.

Back to Games; it IS hard sometimes, when you're struggling to be an 'Indie' to come up with the goods, especially when there's always somebody doing something so much better than you. Gawd knows I've gotten so frustrated several times as to format my hard-drive and try to dedicate myself to slovenly consumerism - ie. buy games, play games, buy more games etc. - and it's only very very recently that I've decided to start my project(s) at a very very low level. Over the last few years I've discovered, through my precious son, that he loves playing all those simple yet addictive flash games on the internet, even the variety of surprisingly cool stickfigure games that are out there. They're not high-tech, they're mostly not even 3D, yet he really enjoys some of these very primative ideas. So that is right where I have decided to pour my efforts. Start simple first, then expand on that!

So my latest [3D] game idea uses simple blocks and block figures in a full 3D environment. I'm trying to replicate a super primative "Jak and Daxter" kind of game, but I am very deliberately trying to not over-extend my own abilities. And to be honest it is surprising that when you start deliberately working within your own abilities, and not trying to emulate exactly the quality of the 'big boys' out there that you start becoming confident in your own self, AND you actually get the most work done!

Ummm, anyway I'm not sure what I was intending with this reply; I guess I wanted to let you know that you are most certainly not on your own, and that there are people that share the same anguish and pain, and that your talking about your problems is very brave and admirable. Like you say, write all those ideas down; but I also say despite the 'perfect movie-quality' picture in your head, start simple and then once you have something working expand upon that!

Kevin, I think you're a star for bringing this kind of topic forward, and I hope for all the positive progress for you in the future!

Russell Fincher (Jun 05, 2007 at 13:42 GMT)

Thanks for the post, Kevin. Too often mood disorders are stigmatized, and people often don't realize what an impediment they can be to simple productivity. Nice to see an open discussion.

NewYork Virtual (Jun 06, 2007 at 06:01 GMT)

same here, thanks for the post.

Don Hogan (Jun 06, 2007 at 14:17 GMT) Resource Rating: 5

Well said to all, and to Kevin, I'm another one right there with you. IMO, you're on the right path; you've claimed it and are taking positive action - for me that helped tons. The depression is still there, but not as 'silent' because I've learned what to watch for. Hang in there and have a good day - every day. =)

Kevin Erkelenz (Jun 06, 2007 at 23:46 GMT)

I am very glad and proud of myself that I could help you guys with this and depressed or not we have to make the best out of what we have and even if I'm only 15 I think I have the right to say that "It's hard out there for a Pimp" ;)

All of you guys just sit tight and lay low, youll make it - just like me and yeah, writing this blog took a lot of balls on my side but I felt gooood afterwords! :D

Have a good one guys!

PS: I'm sorry for not giving any personal replys on this but I wasnt prepared for this many replys, mabe later! :)

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