nwgamefest review, indie rant

well the nw games fest was impressive
big thanks to the organizers for putting this on (ie beth)
it was a gift
more like a mini-igc than a mega-pdx-igda-meeting
just really great to connect with other game people, see friends
which is so lacking when you're a satellite indie
and it was good for some traction for the non-existent game industry in portland (indie or otherwise)
a mystery considering our independent attitude in more ways than one
and boisterous art scene
plus our big high tech industry and tech savvy population
so I hope this event will go a long way to helping to entrench games here
so I don't have to leave again

the keynote by chris crawford was if nothing entertaining (as is the man)
he spoke like a true revolutionary
he said that none of us are going to get jobs in the game industry
and besides that the game industry sucks anyway
and besides that games period suck anyway
mere rational spatial awareness dodads
brain candy for children
sweet but of no nourishment or consequence
but "who cares when you've got that bad-ass particle effect explosion, right?"
so he had my full attention

and then he said the answer to this problem
just happened to be his pet interest
which was going to save the game world
and he lost me at that
and lost credibility with his motivations for said previous comments
because it was all just a setup to tout hit pet interest
which is interactive storytelling
to the exclusion of everything else

he certainly had some interesting things to say about the industry
and interesting things about interactive storytelling
so you could cherry-pick or glean some deep things from it
but the arguement as a whole
that interactive storytelling is going to "save games"
was both far-fetched and full of holes
but then, chris is a smart guy
a VERY smart guy
so he's smart enough to know this too
and freely joked about "megalomania" (a boomer hallmark)
and "not content to start a mere company, I'm going to start a whole industry"
and joking aside there's no doubt it will be an industry some day
and perhaps one day a sizable one at that
but will it "save games"?
is it the "silver bullet"? "the one"?
gimme a break

he wants to transcend where games are at now
and that's noble, and speaks to me
but he wants to transcend and exclude
instead of transcend and include
and that's a big part of where it falls apart

so it was a disappointing punchline to such a great setup
and disappointing that 2/3rds of the keynote was on such a specialized topic
instead of saving that for a breakout session
but I instantly loved chris
and I have enormous respect for him
very thought provoking "out there" stuff he's doing

after the keynote came the breakout sessions
there were many to chose from (3 x 3) and I went to two

the first break out session was a discussion on why there's no game dev in pdx
and the answer to that seemed to be
that there's no game dev in portland
because there's no game dev in portland.
kind of circular, just like the google search.
brilliant.

moving on, a company in vancouver bc did the next break-out session
they're an indie game engine company
and they gave a great presentation on indie development
everything on the slides he was talking about
I'd think back on my last 2 years in indie game dev
and say "wow, that's spot on - and well said"
good summary and "state of the indie-stry"
and obvious genuine passion for wanting to help foster it
and he was this dreadlocked anarchist punk looking dude
so it was nice to see that represented for a change too

there were more sessions
but the rest of the time I spent tending to shelled which I brought
it was bring your own computer policy
and my laptop w/broken keys and broken USB port (ie no mouse) just wouldn't do
so I had to borrow a computer from a friend
who "borrowed" it from one of their "friends" (sort of - I swear it wasn't stolen, but long story)
I had to build the PC myself, that was a pain (and later deconstruct it too)
the first motherboard was fried, other misc was broke
put win2k on the box because we couldn't find xp last minute
used a video card that was bad and occassionaly glitched (luckily didn't happen on floor)
then didn't have win2k drivers compatible with the motherboard devices
so there was no sound and occassional hard-reboot crashing
and I didn't even have an optical mouse and the ball mouse kept sticking
really bad for a semi-precise aiming kind of game
then there was writing & printing up info sheets at kinkos etc
blah blah anyway that was a day there just getting the computer and stuff ready
then hauling it down there, parking, unloading, parking again, setting up (taking all down again at end)
a lot of work
I'm not complaining, this is exposition
I'm just saying even something simple like the box sitting there w/a game on it at a conf/fest
there can be a lot of hidden work with that
add "roadie" to my list of a dozen hats a producer wears

so how was the game received on the floor?

unlike the "good to very good" feedback from beta1
and the decent/good feedback from gg guys informally playing
it wouldn't be a stretch to say that once again
the game publically tanked
the last tanking having taken place at the last igc
except that version (IGC) really *was* bad
whereas this version was (I thought) good

what do I mean by it tanked, aside from the obvious pun
well, for one I saw person after person fire straight at tanks
instead of aiming above them
it'd go a short distance, hit the ground, and explode
often damaging them in the process
and they'd do this over and over despite the same results
they didn't "get" that it's a trajectory game
and they didn't get the "rhythm" or "beat" of the game
instead forcing their own onto it
and they'd quit playing soon after thinking that's all the game was
and people that were watching that person suck didn't want to play
and also thought that's all the game was

they also didn't "get" flying
thinking it was a bug that it would sometimes not let them fly
instead of seeing the "jet energy" meter
and flashing "you can't move / you can now move" prompts
which granted this needs to be more clear
but even after it was verbally explained they still didn't get it
"why can't you just move all the time?"
and/or if they "got" flying
they thought it was stupid that you can't fly & fire at the same time
again making the game a fps
which it is not

additionally, many people didn't "get" that this is an online deathmatch game
(which is also why there are certain design elements like not flying all the time
because if you could do that, so could everyone else, and then nobody could hit anyone)
repeatedly I heard "what is the point?"
(shoot tanks for points - does a more simple premise exist?)
or "you shell tanks but they keep coming back"
right, they come back, and so do you when you die

few people read the extremely abbreviated quick and easy to read instructions
on the nicely laminated cheat sheet right in front of them on the monitor
they wanted to be able to just jump in and play
and I sometimes encouraged that just to watch and see what would happen
but "impatience" and "seeking instant gratification" were at work here
and maybe ego, like people feel entitled to be able to just magically play games w/o any instructions & win & have fun
(imagine this same setup for a card game - give someone some cards but don't tell them the rules or how to play
and expect them to have fun while you beat them; no way!)

that the game tanked "in person" was demoralizing
but doesn't worry me hugely in terms of the final release because...

#1 the finished game will have a quick tutorial
and it will be FORCED my friend, not optional
and screw the consequences of forcing the tutorial
(there's like 3 things to learn: aim UP, asshole!; mouse to fire; arrow keys to fly - quick and painless)

#2 a home player who has decided to "invest" in downloading the game
will be willing to spend more time learning to play it
then someone just walking through a hallway at a game fest
granted, not much more time
we're talking a couple of minutes here
but those few extra minutes make a world of difference
having been to 2 of these now
where games are playable, that my game is playable at
I'm certain that some games play better at fests than others
(ie games w/instant gratification, which shelled is not)

#3 a joyous moment of the day occurred
when someone sat down and promptly fired a shell straight
and saw what happened
then fired shell number two up
and hit their target
then started flying around
and just plain kicked ass
they picked the game up like that
and were playing level 1 like a pro in 0 time flat
that was such a relief and joy to see
like "yeah! he gets it! immediately! and he's GOOD!"
it was sweet to watch him play and kick ass
but he was like one out of a dozen

#4 you can't please everyone
you don't go after repubs to vote for a dem
you go after dems to vote for a dem
you gotta know your market
and sometimes that means to the exclusion of those not in your market
which is kind of a "fuck'em" attitude
but it makes market sense
and the people that were bitching about the game the most
that the game wasn't what *they* wanted it to be
that the game didn't provide mind-reading blink-instant-gratification (there's a small curve)
that the game doesn't let you do whatever you want (there's rules! OMG!!!)
those people are not my market
which is also why I use the derogatory term "bitching" when referring to this user category's feedback
because while a hardcore gamer might complain about the same things
the tone of their complaint was different
when the people not in my market would complain
it just sounded like *whining*

so who is my market?

well first it was casual gamers
and the little kork tech demo proof of concept thingy was simple and fun
then I said I want both casual and hardcore
and "targeting" both was a DISASTER
a near titantic of game design mistakes (the IGC ver)
then I veered back to casual
and the game succeeded from a design standpoint
and for the first time stood on solid ground
but ironically
in the truest use of the word irony
this new "casual" game now appealed greatest to hardcore gamers (!!!)
and this is exactly who played the game well at the fest
a hardcore gamer
(and who likely were rating my game so well in the beta1)

this discovery was galvanized by joe lieberman's comment to me at gdc
that this is a game for hardcore gamers
that don't have time for a hardcore game or game session
or got burned out by increasingly complex games/controls
(he also said I need not worry about my toon graphics conflicting w/the hardcore audience)

more fodder:
"The ex-gamer, guys like me who were hardcore players but then got married, had kids ... I don't have the time to get into the complexly designed retail titles, but games like Think Tanks that are easy to get into and have short time commitments can suck me in."

bingo.

so I learned a lot at this fest
and though *I'm* bitching about other people bitching
(hmmm another moment ripe with irony?)
I have to confess that ultimately all the feedback was useful
even when vocal pitches were high and whiney

the last part of this event was the awards
which I never expect to win
and especially for this fest aren't all that big of a deal
(the northwest what fest? hmmm, haven't heard of it)
but no matter how much you tell yourself you don't care
when you put your life and blood into a project
you can't not care and totally detach

so with 5 other games entered and 3 prizes
I thought maybe something might come of it - not bad odds
2 of those 5 games were text games (one was facade)
another game was a homebrew sega dreamcast dance dance revolution game (it was really cool, but niche)
another game was a straight clone of street fighter 2 that was *maybe* 10% complete (with lifted sf2 gfx at that)
and the final game was a totally sweet game that 6 students from digipen did
that I myself wanted to vote for because it was so good
(lots of good things coming from digipen compared to other schools I'm seeing)
so seemingly not the stiffest of competition esp considering niche nature of most of the games
but the digipen, sf2 clone, and text game (facade) got the 3 awards & cash prizes (1st, 2nd, and 3rd respectively)

combined with the lackluster play sessions, it bothered me a lot more than it should have
even with excuses and trying to blow it off
it was still bothering me the next day
to have all this work
all these sacrifices put into this game
and then to hear people complain about it all day w/o learning the game
and to lose to a barely started sf2 clone
because of the novelty of playing as a photoshopped teddy bear beating up ryu

it's not that I deserved anything
screw that
it's just having nothing so far to show for all this
and that tiny morsel of modest encouragement would have gone really far
after a while you start to feel like you're wasting your time
like you and your game are a joke
that the work it will take to make your game "good" is greater than your capacity and resources
that it is a never-ending uphill battle
where your only reward is just more work
(welcome to startups, welcome to game dev, welcome to indie, and welcome to life)

had I not done the beta the week before
and gotten exclusively good feedback from that
I think this game fest would have crushed me morally
and even with the good beta feedback it hit me pretty hard

the next day I had a conversation with a woman
who was busting her ass 60 hrs a week at her job/s
and didn't even have health insurance despite all that work
can you believe it, 60 hr weeks and not even health insurance
and I think *I* have problems
because my disposable income game
didn't induce orgasms in a small faction of the game playing public
talk about perspective

I mean, it's all relative, and relatively speaking it was a bad experience
but how did this game take over my life so completely in importance?
why am I *still* so pissed & hurt about the poor reception at the fest?

rather then dwelling on those feelings
or denying those feelings
I sought to understand why I was feeling what I was

when making a game in a studio it's not personal (or as personal)
but when you're indie and giving up what you love
giving up going to concerts going to the symphony going out
hell just eating decently
and in my case sleeping in a real bed
when you give up so much - too much -
because it takes so much starting from nothing, starting as indie
when you give up so much to make your game
it can't ***NOT*** be personal
and that's what's all the tougher about being indie
and what truly sets indie apart
as a pro in the industry you do your job (a game) and you go home at the end of the day and the two are very seperate
but as an indie the two are inextricably linked

quality of life is talked about a lot now in the pro industry (more than it was anyway)
but do we talk about this as indies?
what I mean is that if it takes so much to get a game made
then you're obviously putting huge amounts of time and/or money into it
because you don't want to spend 4 years making it, obsolete by the time it's done - even after you've "down-scoped" your way down to a near-nothing game
so, if you're doing that
stretching yourself so thin
how is that affecting the quality of your life?

there are so many things I used to do and enjoy before this game
not like going and wasting money
but like going to plays, symphony, movies, reading, more open to going out w/friends (or even having time or interest in friends), etc
even just "eating decently" (meaning healthy and pretty ok)
and oh yeah having a room
and oh yeah playing video games!! other than my own!!!!
I don't even play games anymore which is why I like games and want to make games in the first place!! (oh the irony)
now it's just like the game the game the game the game, get it done get it done get it done
I've written before that you have to be persistent and patient like a mofo
but at what point is it not worth it?

true words ring with a clarity of instant recognition
I heard these words yesterday:
"success is the quality of the journey"
I've thought/written similarly with regard to gamemaking
with how we get there matters, and journey and destination are not two
and by those I meant not riding the people helping me too hard
and more importantly making sure that they're having fun
or doing my best to make it fun and rewarding for them
but somehow the wording struck me differently...
"success is the quality of the journey"

I've been like a parent whose own needs come last
and for most of the game's dev it's been alternatingly difficult and fun
sometimes ridiculously fun
and overall satisfying to the degree that I could spend the rest of my life doing this
because it feels so right
but the last quarter or so of the game's dev
has not been so fun
and not so satisfying

even when the positive feedback came in
it was more like a relief than a success
like "phew, we didn't get bombed today" instead of "yay, people love us!"
the quality of the journey lately has not been good
so right now it is not a success

quality of life man,
balance
but isn't that what keeps hobbyists and amatuers from ever breaking out?
don't you have to break a few eggs to make the proverbial indie omlet?
yes you do
but how many eggs
and for how long

june 1st
the 18th straight month of development on shelled
maybe not long to you, but long to me
thought it would be done
close to being done, but still not
need to clear up some of the confusions, some of the "negative experiences"
need to polish some graphics, tighten some action
close but not done
eggs still yet to be cracked
but in the meantime I'm myself getting cracked
to say nothing of the lead programmer, a stallion in my book (a year straight for him)

so what now?
well obviously finish the game, duh
too close to quit now
but too fatigued for a "big finish"
so shelled pretty much is what it is
like it or not
a modest little tank game
a mere rational spatial awareness dodad
but who cares when I've got this bad-ass particle effect explosion
you kill a tank and it's like BOOM SUCKA!
you should see it, it's totally sweet.

josh