Going down....

(Not your usual cheerful post and quite personal - so skip if you dont like those)

Well - it finally happened to me.

Having too many project and too little time to actually do them all, my brain and body said stop. I'm demotivated, no energy and just sit in front of the computer without getting anything done.


For quite some time, my consulting job has taken its toll. I'm currently a project manager for Denmarks largest switch in outsourcing partner for IT operations, and the last 2-3 month have been really really rough.

Trying to do game development next to that beast of a contract, as well as being a father, husband and generally a social being has not been compatible.

Game dev has for me always been what I wanted. So thats why I've pushed hard to do it. Its not for the money - heck. I earn more on regular contracting in 1 month than most do in a year. But I enjoy it too much to let it go. Having tons of ideas for games, packs, improvements.


But it was just too much for me. A few weeks ago I came to a point in my life where I have to decide what to do. Its all about focus, and I have not been very focused. Trying to do everything at once without pursuing a single (or two) goals.

So lesson #1:
Focus on a few goals, get them done and out of the way. Move to next project.


Once my body and mind said stop, it was time to listen to it. I've been here before in the good ole .com days, where we worked 16 hours a day / 7 days a week. I know when I have to throw the towel and step back. And I've seen what happens to people when they do not stop, but cross the fine line. A handful of my friend have tumbled from great careers to sitting in a rocking chair for 2 years unable to work more than 10 minutes at a time.

Lesson #2:
If you feel very low on energy, you snap at your loved ones, unable to sleep because you dream about work - STOP!! It is not worth it. No one will applaud you for burning out.


What works for me to get out of this situation is to stop doing what was stressing me, and do something completely different for a while. As I didnt have the luxury of dumping my contract, I had to drop game dev. :-(

Its really unfortunate, because I almost have a game ready, I have several 80-90% done packs, and Phil Carlisle and me had just started work on a few prototypes. I'm really really sorry Phil - I'll get back to you soon. I promise.

I simply had to make a clean cut from one day to the next one. Not answering emails, not taking phone calls, not reading/responding to forum posts.


So how will I move ahead from here?

For one just writing this is part of getting back. I've made up my mind, that I'm not dumping game dev (which was one of the options). But I'll most likely focus on joining up with someone more closely - being part of teams of peers is one of the things I've been missing. Too many tasks, too few ppl taking ownership and getting some of them done. Always ends up on my own shoulders. *sigh*

I'll either do real games or concentrate on code packs. During my time with GG, I've created quite a lot of half baked stuff that could use an overhaul and brought up on a commercial quality level (camera pack for example). Doing code packs could be one way to bring various smaller projects to market, but the market is damn small and from a commercial point of view not sane to do.

Another thing that I'm starting to realize is, that I need a non-computer based hobby. I spend way too much time at the computer, resulting in not being productive. I can sit an hour or so, just browsing websites, reading stupid stuff and not being able to get going. Having focus on "when at computer - work!" will help. Meaning I need to do something else - at the moment I'm trying to do some work on my car. Putting in a sports exhaust system in my Porsche, doing some aluminium parts mods in the cabin and in the spring going to race it on a nearby track. I've also always wanted to have a rc helicopter. That might be some other option.

Well. Enough from me now. I'll be back some day in the near future. And I hope ppl havent given up on me!

No plan without a pic. So here is a screenie of my battleship game as it looked when I stopped doing coding on it. It has been turned into a arcade shooter with extremely easy controls. I _will_ finish it. Just a matter of when and how.